By now you’ve heard people talking about the edgy and chik Fathom t-shirts. I’ve created a page here to display some of the photos people have sent in. Don’t worry, this is a curated collection rated PG-13. If you want your photo here, you’ll have to purchase a QiQuac or an AutoSalt, or be lucky enough to be a recipient of Apology-ware, which is what I send to people I’ve incidentally offended in one of the Soundings. I always say “I’m sorry you’re offended.”
Without further ado..
“I’ll be the first to admit that my idea of God is pretty different. I believe in a God with a long white beard, a gold crown, and a long robe with lots of shiny jewels on it. He sits on a big throne in the clouds, and He’s about five hundred feet tall. He talks in a real deep voice like “I…AM…GOD!” He can blow up stuff just by looking at it. This is my own, personal idea of God.” –Jack Handey
“A funny thing is if you’re out hiking and your friend gets bit by a poisonous snake, tell him you’re going for help, then go about ten feet and pretend YOU got bit by a snake. Then start an argument about who’s going to get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That’s why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.” –Jack Handey
“In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.” Doug Adams, HGTTU.
“There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.” Doug Adams, HGTTU.
“Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it “dull” that Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead by an ant, and at first it didn’t seem like anything, but then the bite got worse and worse, so he went to a doctor in town, and the secretary told him to wait, so he sat down and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and then finally he got to see the doctor, and the doctor put some salve on it? You call that dull?” Jack Handey
“People just naturally assume that dogs would be incapable of working together on some sort of construction project. But what about just a big field full of holes” Jack Handey
Daniel’s musical friend, Matilda.
“It’s easy to sit there and say you’d like to have more money. And I guess that’s what I like about it. It’s easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money. ” Jack Handey[Starbuck has reactivated a Cylon centurion, who upon awakening unholsters his laser sidearm] Lt. Starbuck:
I’ve been in charge of this planet for three days and already I’ve doubled the population. I hereby declare myself president-elect, if that’s all right with you.
[his voice a mixture of standard Cylon synthesized monotone with an almost human inflection] Die, human.
[taking the Centurion’s weapon away] Don’t be ridiculous. You’d think I’d save you and then let you shoot me? Besides, it doesn’t work.
[Starbuck squeezes the trigger on the Cylon weapon, which does not fire] Lt. Starbuck:
Here, try it.
[Starbuck hands the weapon back to the Centurion, who squeezes the trigger at Starbuck, who is surprised and hastily yanks the weapon out of the Centurion’s hand] Lt. Starbuck:
You really did! Well, how’d you like to end up like those two?
[Starbuck gestures to the two other crippled Cylons from the wreckage of a Cylon raider as the Centurion stands up and stalks menacingly toward Starbuck] Cylon Warrior:
[backing away from the Centurion] Now, now, let’s not get hostile.
[Starbuck grabs the control for the Centurion and deactivates him. He then reactivates him. The Centurion lunges toward him again, Starbuck deactivates him, then reactivates him] Lt. Starbuck:
See? I can turn you off or on, but I don’t intend to keep on doing that, not unless you’re willing to listen to reason. Is any of this making any sense?
Turn off, and turn on.
“To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there’s no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.” Jack Handey
“Life without Ballet would be Pointeless” William “The Bard’s Bard” Shakespeare, 12th Night.